If there’s one thing you all should have learned by now it’s that there is no limits to what people will or will not do. You’ve just got to find the right button and give it a little push, some harder than others. Drunken bar sluts have the easiest buttons of all. Hell a slight graze against their button and the panties will fall like a one legged man jumping rope. I’ve proven this theory time and time again in my countless nights of pouring shots and drinks into my would be victims. When it comes right down to it sluts go to bars the same reason Christians go to church, they just want to feel loved. They don’t give a fuck that it will only be for probably one night or in some cases could turn into a few years. They want it, hell some of them actually need it to feel better about themselves or to know that for just one night somebody wants them. It doesn’t matter that more often than not they will never get a phone call after that night or that no friend request will be sent on Facebook or Twitter. So this all leads up to the night I’m going to tell you about. Remember SLUTS HAVE NO CONSCIOUS OR MORALS!!!
Me and a group of dudes caught the train to downtown Chicago one Friday afternoon after we were done with school. We catch a cab to a hotel and all check into our own rooms because we had a bet on who could pull the most ass for the weekend. Everybody gets dressed and we all meet downstairs in the hotel bar for a few shots before we head out on Operation Hoedown. We get to talking with the bartender and ask him where all the sluts hang out on this side of town and he tells us about a few places to try. We pound a few more shots of Cuervo and start to head out for the night. Our plan was we could all split up or do whatever it would take to conquer bitches but we had to stay in at least teams of two. We didn’t do that for any kind of safety reasons we did it because somebody had to verify the number was true and with the amount of money we had on the line someone was bound to try and cheat. We start to head out and I go to pay my tab when the bartender tells me that he’s heard us talking about our mission. He goes on to tell me that the very bar I am standing in will be crawling with ass around eleven that night when all the cougars come out to play. Folks this is the kind of knowledge you can gain when you tip a bartender well. Let that be a fucking lesson. Bartenders are usually your best source for anything you want to know when you’re in an unfamiliar city. I had one buddy that was always a damn good wing man and we always worked well together. No cock blocking and both of us were willing to fuck a fatty if it meant the other one got some prime. I call McNasty over and tell him that we are going to leave like everyone else and just go around the block and double back. The bartender had already been tipped well so we are guaranteed good drinks the rest of the night and the place will be crawling with ass later. He agrees so we set off with the rest of the boys. We get to the end of the block and the others for some reason think we will have better odds if we stick together. Me an McNasty tell them we are going to go on a recon mission at another bar and if it looks promising we will give them a call. They agree and we go our separate ways. Me and Nasty stop in a little Irish pub and grab a drink just to give those guys time to get a little farther away from our killing grounds. The last thing we needed was for one of them to have to come back to the hotel and see us in the bar. About an hour later we head back and sure as hell there was already a few soccer moms starting to filter into the place. We cop a squat at the bar and start to survey the scene. There’s the typical bar whores mixed with the chicks who are having “a much needed girls night out”. Yeah we all know what that means. They need a break from their depressing ass lives of kids and minivans to feel young and slutty again.
We’re drinking and bullshitting with a few chicks when my boy does the impossible. He tells the girl he’s talking to what our plan is and that he wants her to be the first one. I’m expecting him to either get a drink poured on him or slapped, I was wrong. She grabs his hand and tells him to take her to his room. Well played you motherfucker. Now I’m sitting at the bar with that girls three friends and they are all standing around looking confused. I’m just the right amount of drunk and not giving a fuck so I look at the two hottest ones left and tell them I’m not going to be outdone by my boy so all three of us need to go to my room. They didn’t even get to answer before the third one says what about me. She may as well have had loves to fuck tattoo’d on her forehead at that point. Not wanting to give her the upper hand I calmly looked at her and said what about you? She tells us that she’s not staying in the bar alone while the three of us go upstairs to my room. I told her that if she buys the next two rounds of drinks she can go too. One of the hotter ones gets all offended that I wouldn’t include the slightly cute one in the party so she says I can go fuck myself and she will stay in the bar with her friend. I laughed and looked at the slightly cute one and told her she had just been moved to the starting line up. Off me and two of them go and leave the bitch with the attitude sitting in the bar all alone. We go by Nasty’s room just so he can verify what I’m up to and then proceed to my room. I’m feeling pretty good at the moment so I decide to make second string feel special and tell her she’s first. She tells me we will have to go to the shower because she is having lady problems. WHAT THE FUCK? Why would you volunteer to play the game knowing your ass was injured? I politely tell her that’s not going to happen and she can wait downstairs with the other friend while me and the last hope chick take care of business. Not a fucking chance. The third bitch has enough of how I’m talking to her friends so she tells me to go fuck myself too. Great. I just went from a potential three run lead to striking the fuck out with the bases loaded. Now I’m sitting here thinking do I tell my boy or do I not. He’s already had proof that I went to my room with two chicks so I could be an asshole and let him keep thinking that. I decide that there is too much money on the line to give up points so I am going to let him keep thinking it. WRONG. I walk out into the hall and see the two sluts standing at his door telling him the whole damn story. I just smile and walk over and listen as they get to the part about her having issues. This motherfucker does what I should have done and says he has no problem with it and they are welcome to come jump in the shower with him and the first chick. Son of a bitch. My boy just went up three to nothing. I tuck my tail and take the elevator ride of shame back down to the lobby and the bar. I get there and attitude bitch is sitting there looking confused as hell about where her friends are. I tell her the story and she laughs and buys me a drink. We sit there chatting for a bit when I man the fuck up and try again. No dice. She informs me that had I not been a dick to her friend I could have had all three. Lesson learned I guess. McNasty comes strolling back into the bar about an hour later with his three run lead laughing his ass off as he tells me what I’ve missed. Thanks buddy, thanks a fucking lot. We sit there and hang out with these chicks for a bit more before we start to wonder around from one group of chicks to the next. We finally end up hanging out with a bachelorette party. They have the standard bullshit checklist of slut dares to finish before they can consider their night a success. We help them out with a few of their items and tell them we are in a mission ourselves. They are drunk enough to think they can help us so we are fucking golden. I’m sitting between two girls that happen to be sisters. One is pretty cute and the other is obviously the one who got to the dinner table first. I’m focusing on the skinny one and talking shit but occasionally will turn and talk to hefty. Skinny is eating out of the palm of my hand at this point. The next thing I know she takes my hand and slides it under her skirt to show me she’s not wearing underpants of any kind. Fuck yes!!! If there’s one thing I should learn to do it would be to remember the chicks name I’m talking to when I’m drinking. I have a habit of using words like cutie or some other bullshit title when I’m talking to them because I suck at remembering or caring what their names are when I’m drinking. I’m sitting there two knuckles deep in this chick and can’t remember her name for shit so I just ask sweetie if she wanted a drink. She jokingly laughs and ask if remembered her name. I said fuck yes I did and got up before she made me prove it. I’m standing at the bar waiting when hefty walks up beside me. In my mind it made sense but looking back now not so much. I fucked up and asked her what her sisters name was like she was on my team and shit. Mistake. She tells me and goes back to the table. I hit the pisser on the way back feeling good about myself. I make it back to the table and everything is the same as when I left. Skinny takes my hand and puts it right back where it was and looks at me smiling and says ok smartass what’s my name? I’m all cocky and shit because I still think I know it and her sister wouldn’t ever do anything to fuck up my night. I told her the name her sister had given me at the bar and she smiles. She leans over and whispers in my ear “do you feel how good it is down there”. I said hell yes. She hits me with “well remember it because its the last time you get anywhere near it because you just called me by my moms dogs name”. What the hell???? Yep. Her sister had not only told me the wrong name on purpose but she had told her sister all about our little chat at the bar. Fuck me damn it!!! She slides my hand out and tells me to go fuck myself. How many times can one guy be told that in one night? I’m clearly not getting anything from this group of chicks tonight since they all know what just happened so I go and sit at the bar and lick my wounds. A little while later hefty walks over to get a drink and laughs about it all. I do not feel like dealing with her shit so I tell her to fuck off. She tells me that it’s not her fault I suck at remembering people’s names that I was trying to fuck. We spar it out verbally for a few minutes when she pulls off the greatest whore move of all time. She tells me that she isn’t as uptight as her sister and she didn’t give a damn if I remembered her name or not because after she was done with me that night I would damn sure remember it tomorrow. Really lady? You just cock blocked me with your sister and now you’re telling me that you’re gonna fuck me! Whores have no boundaries they won’t break to get what they want. She tells me that her group is getting ready to leave and as soon as they do we are going to my room. Who am I to argue with that? I’m as fucked up as a ran over dog at this point so my asshole side is in control. I walk over to skinny sister and tell her I’m about to fuck hefty sister and that she missed out. I don’t know when I will learn to quit while I am ahead but I hadn’t learned it at that point. She asks hefty if I was telling the truth and they get into an all out argument about how skinny sister has always gotten first dibs on whatever she wanted and how she’s played second fiddle her whole life. Yadda yadda yadda. Feeling pretty good about myself I grab hefty by the hand and tell her she can take her anger out while she rides me. She looks at skinny and says “I’m about to fuck him like I did your exhusband”. Skinny is standing there in complete disbelief as me and hefty walk to the elevator and go up to my room. I ended up coming in dead last with only one point that weekend but let me tell you one thing folks…….I still remember Alicia Michelle N€#£€¥’s full name.
All you folks that have either been in the military or have been around the military know that wives of your fellow soldiers, sailors, or marines are pretty much one of two things. 1. They are either all about serving their husbands and nobody is ever better than their baby daddy or 2. they are giant fucking whores. It’s that damn simple. If you happen to be reading this and you’re a military wife go ahead and try to convince yourself you’re the first one, and hopefully for your husband’s sake that is true. If it’s not then you have been used and abused by guys like me and if you do a really quick self assessment you will know that I am telling the truth. Ask yourself one very important question…..HAVE I EVER FUCKED SOMEONE WHILE HE WAS ON DEPLOYMENT? Haha your ass just answered yes didn’t you? Sorry bitch you’re a number 2.
Me and my crew were all out at the little bar on base this particular night because for whatever reason we were stupid or it could have been the fact that it was directly across the street from our barracks. We are drinking and having as good a time as we could considering that the base frowns upon underage drinking yet they still let every underage person on base in the damn bar. I get to talking to a chick who seems pretty cool. She’s not a looker by any stretch of the imagination.She’s at minimum 40lbs over weight and she’s dressed like her ass has a VIP card to the Dollar Store. I couldn’t care less as we have already established. She was all about me and that scores bitches a lot of points with yours truly. You can look like something that crawled out of the gutter and if you stroke my ego with a strong possibility of stroking my cock with your mouth later then bitch you are alright with me. She was eating(no pun intended) out of the palm of my hand within the first thirty minutes of me talking to her. Anyone that has ever been out at a bar with me knows one thing. The more I drink the more I don’t give a fuck about what comes out of my mouth. I you need a confirmation on this just ask my good friend Duncan Cannon. He has been witness to this on more than one occasion and has had to remind me of some of the shit I have told some random ass bitch in a bar the next day. Sometimes I wish I could remember it and other times I’m glad I can’t.
The night rolls along just like every other night I’m out at a bar drinking. For some reason I feel like from the time I get to the bar until last call it is my absolute fucking duty to slam as much alcohol into me as I possibly can without ending up dead. I can’t just sit around and nurse a drink or have a beer in my hand and let it get hot before I finish it. I drink hard as fuck and worry about the rest later. Me and hefty are shooting the shit and she’s paying the bar tab as tends to be the case when I was out and about those days. I really used to see just how high I could make a bitches tab before she got pissed and told me I would have to split it. Her’s was well over $200.00 and she didn’t bat a fucking eye when she paid it. I tell her the situation about me living in the barracks and she answers with “ohh I know, we’re going to my house so we can fuck”. Lead the fucking way hefty!!!!! We make it to her car, which was a god damn minivan of the Dodge Caravan type. I get in the passenger seat and take the customary look around….two fucking car seats. I don’t give a good fuck if a chick has kids but that still isn’t going to stop me from talking shit about this soccer mom wanna be loading up some random dick from a bar in the same fucking vehicle she takes her kids to daycare in. I was relentless on the ride to her house. I asked if the kids were gonna call me daddy when I walked in or if I could beat them like a bad step parent treats the kids of the fucker before him. I was expecting her to say fuck this and tell me to get the fuck out at any point but the bitch actually laughed. Here I was talking shit about her car and kids and this cum dumpster just laughed about it all. Wrong move bitch. I was now free to joke any and everything about her because if she isn’t going to defend her kids she damn sure isn’t going to defend anything else I found to talk shit about. I told her that just because I was going to work her out that night didn’t mean she wouldn’t still need to eat fruit for breakfast and go to the gym because she could stand to drop a few pounds before I would consider her “cute”. Nothing, no comment no mad crazy bitch reaction.
We get to her house and it’s typical military housing so I asked how she lived there since she wasn’t married. She said I had never asked if she was married so she never brought up her husband that was still at his last duty station waiting to be transferred to Great Lakes and reunite with his wife and kids. Whore logic strikes again folks. I take a self guided tour of her house of twinkies and hotdogs and see the husband in question in all the pictures. He was about 5′ tall and about 145lbs if I had to guess so I figured out why hefty picked me. I was 6’4″ and 195lbs of pretty solid dick slinging muscle at that time in my life. I ask her why she was doing this to her husband and she told me exactly what I was thinking was true. He was too little to fuck her right or make her do whatever he wanted to. It’s not my fault he couldn’t outgrow his teenage body so I was more than happy to take one for the team. We sit down on the couch and she starts trying to kiss me and shit. I told her I wasn’t her husband and all that romantic bullshit was out the window. I was there to fuck her and that was all. If you want all that other bullshit you better wait until little man gets his ass home because all you’re gonna get from me in or near your mouth was a dick. She agrees to the first rule and reaches down and unzips my pants. She slid her hand in and starts doing what feels like her trying to rip the damn thing off. I tell her that shit has to stop so she does. She asked if I wanted to watch tv and I told her she wouldn’t be able to ask such a stupid question if her mouth was on my dick like it should have been ten minutes ago. She complies with my order and starts doing a damn fine job I might add. Fella’s don’t act all stupid you know some of the best blowjobs you’ve ever had come from big girls. They don’t usually know how long it will be until they get some more dick so they make that shit count. Here I am on this bitches couch watching TV while getting a blowjob and knowing I can say whatever or do whatever the fuck I want to and she’s going to be completely ok with it. I grab ber by the back of her hair and pull her face up so she can look me in the eye and tell her she has 60 seconds to get me a beer out of her refrigerator and be back to what she’s doing. She gets up and casually walks to the kitchen and asks if I wanted a light or regular beer. I told her she needed to decide and if she picked the wrong one her ass would be in trouble. It wouldn’t have mattered which one she came back with it was already going to be the wrong one. She waddles her ass back over to the couch and hands it to me with the cap still on the bottle. I decide it’s time to press this bitch and see what’s going to happen. I look her directly in her eye and say “what kind of whore brings a man a beer with the cap still on”, she looks down at the floor and says I’m sorry sir. I damn near finished right then. I roll along with the situation and tell her to take her ass back to the kitchen and open it and while she’s there she needs to find whatever she has in the kitchen that she thinks she will enjoy getting her ass beat with. She comes back with an open beer and a big ass plastic spatula. Good choice chunky now get back to work, this dick isn’t going to suck itself. She gets on the couch beside me and starts to lean back down to do her duty when I pop her on the ass so hard I damn near felt bad about it. She asked why I did that so I did it again. Bitch you don’t get to ask me questions, you just follow orders and if you fuck up I will let you know. I told her she wasn’t worthy enough to be sitting on the couch beside me(her couch remember?) so she needed to get her fat ass on her knees in front of me. No hesitation, just compliance. This shit is getting good. She does her thing for a little while and I watch tv and drink beer. Finally I am ready to finish because at this point all I want to do is go to fucking sleep. I grab the back of her head and slam with all my might and web is inserted straight down her throat. She never misses a beat and licks her lips when she’s done. Good girl. I tell her to get her ass up and drive me back to base. She asks if I want to spend the night and I tell her fuck no there’s no way I was sleeping in the same house with her fat ass. Again nothing but yes sir. PAUSE. I have one question that I have never been able to get answered so maybe you guys can help. WHY THE FUCK DON’T THEY MAKE HOT BITCHES THAT ACT LIKE THIS??? Resume. She gets her keys and takes me back to base without another mention of a fucking slumber party. She gives me her number when she drops me off and tells me her husband won’t be there for about a month or so and that anytime day or night that I wanted to “fuck a whore” to call her and she would be ready. Needless to say that for the next few weeks I would go see her just to beat her ass with kitchen utensils and sling a web all over her face.
Once the happy christian chick came back over to the dark side we started hanging out on a pretty regular basis. She was a pretty cool chick and she loved to whore out in the bedroom and that was all golden to me. She had rekindled her trashy small town slut fire and I was pouring gas all over that bitch. There wasn’t much I couldn’t do and get away with. I could go out with her to a bar and leave with another chick and she wouldn’t say a damn word about it. There were several times when I would have another chick drop me off at her house the next morning and she would make breakfast while I showered and then she would want to know how the other chick was in bed. Yes she’s pretty much a dumbass but she knew it and I knew it and we were both ok with it. Every guy reading this knows that one chick that they owned and could call right now and tell them to come over for fucky fucky and that bitch would ask if they wanted her to bring beer and snacks. Ladies as bad as that burns just know that your husband/boyfriend is sitting there thinking one of two things. Either he married his or he’s thinking about her ass right now. In the words of the legendary poet Snoop Dogg “don’t get upset girl that’s just how it goes”.
We were hanging out at one of the fancy ass bars in downtown Chicago, but we were on her dime so I didn’t mind it too much. She was all about keeping daddy happy so when this really hot red-head started talking with her she just went with the flow. I had no idea of the depths that I could really take her without her finally getting to the point where she would show an ounce of self-respect or dignity and tell me to go fuck myself but tonight I was going to find out. She told me at one point that she thought the redhead wanted to have a threesome so I informed her ass she better do her best to make that shit happen. I just sat back and had free shots and drinks and waited for her work to pay off. At that particular moment in my life you couldn’t have convinced me that I wasn’t the fucking king of the fucking univese . A little while later she tells me that the other chick wanted to go dance so I told her to put on a show for me. They go to the dance floor and christian chick never took her eyes off of me while the redhead was all over her ass. She was licking her neck and kissing her all while grabbing her ass. Christian girl just kept staring at me and licking her lips while I ran up her bar tab and felt like a fucking champ. I didn’t really give a shit that the other chick was more into her than me, that’s part of the game. Who gives a damn because I was about to go to bed with them both, the rest is just logistics of the dick. We kept this going the rest of the night until the bar closed and started walking back to our hotel room.
We make it back to the room and we are all covered in sweat and bar smoke so we all decide it’s time for a shower….group fucking shower. We all pile into a shower that was big enough for all of us to take a shower but not really big enough for any other activities. We all clean each other up to our satisfaction and jump in the bed. I’m on one side, Christian chick in the middle, and Red on the other side, again she wasn’t there for me. She wasn’t a lesbian by trade but she was kind of on the path of lesbianism. She still had a boyfriend and loved dick but she was leaning towards the side of the scissor fighters. Those two start the standard making out rubbing and licking activities while I laid there and watched ESPN. I finished off my beer and told Christian chick I needed a blowjob, without a single moments pause dick in the jaws. Red started licking her in all the right places so she really got into the task she was focused on. Again you couldn’t tell me a damn thing at this point because I was loving life. It may not last the rest of the day, week, month or year but at that exact moment I was the fucking boss. Red came over and started helping Christian chick with her mission and fella’s let me tell you that if you’ve never had your dick in the middle of a slut lip sandwich I highly recommend you make it happen. We all know how good a standard blowjob is so just double that and sprinkle in some ESPN. We go on like this for a while and then the Christian chick lays down on the bed and Red acts like a fat fuck at the buffet. I am a team player so I get behind Red and do my part of operation triple fuck. We all get to where we need to be and fall asleep in a pile of sweaty body parts. We wake up the next day and Red is nowhere to be seen. Immediately we both jump up and check for our credit cards and personal shit. It’s all where it’s supposed to be and hasn’t been touched so we were relieved. We jump in the shower because check out time is less than an hour away. I was the first one out of the shower and I walked back into the room and see Red sitting at the little hotel table laying out three plates of food and drinks. She smiles and tells me breakfast is ready and that she has paid for the hotel room for another night so we can play some more. Christian chick comes out wearing nothing but a towel on her head and her and Red start to go at it again while I sat there eating eggs and pancakes watching them more than the tv. That day and the rest of that night I had so much damn triple fucking that at one point I actually started to get bored with it. It’s like eating too much candy on Halloween, it’s fucking awesome but too much is too much. I lived like a damn king for a few hours and it helped me realize one very important thing…there are women in this world who’s only goal in life is to fuck and please a man as much as they possibly can. I have ran across more than a few of them in my time but nothing will ever be as good as the original. The first time everything is new and special (not gay special as in women’s feelings about their boyfriend or husband, but more like I can do whatever the fuck I want to with no consequences special) and nothing ever lives up to the one that did it first.
Some folks don’t believe it when I tell them I not only used to attend church but I was even in the youth choir. Go ahead and get the laughs out of the way, I will wait…………………. There do you feel better now? Yes folks I was in the teen choir at the church I was forced to go to by my mother. There were some good people there and I still talk to a lot of them. I grew up and decided that the whole religious thing wasn’t my idea of what life was all about. I don’t think you have to go to some big fancy building and put money in a plate to be a good person. If anything I think the Buddhists probably have it closer to right than any other religion. I certainly joke about shit probably way more than I should but I am also a firm believer in each person gets to decide how they want to live their life and while I may joke the fuck out of you for it I won’t ever try to convince you that your decisions are bad or wrong. When it’s all said and done you’re the one living it, not me or anyone else so live the fuck out of it.
I have no idea why this chick was even in a bar to start with considering the lifestyle she had. Who the fuck walks into a bar with a “got Jesus” shirt on in the first fucking place? Well that to me seemed like the challenge of all challenges so I immediately start a conversation with her about church and shit and asked her what she was doing in a bar if she was a certified bible thumper. She said she promised her friend she would come to a bar if she went to church with her. Sorry bitch but your friend just did you a huge disservice because chances are she wouldn’t be subjected to assholes like me at your church but your ass is in the lions den. I asked if she wanted a drink and she said she wanted a virgin daiquiri. Sorry babe but I don’t buy that shit. If that’s what you want go to the fucking Jamba Juice or some shit down the street. I tell her I am not buying a mixed drink with no alcohol in because that’s like paying a hooker just to talk. POINTLESS!!! She said she would drink one drink if I agreed to go to church with her at some point. Really bitch? Your ass is just running around bartering with people to get them go to church? Before I could even catch myself I blurted out that if we ended up fucking I would go to church with her for ten Sundays. She seemed a little offended at first but she had that look on her face like she may have to take one for team Jesus if it meant she could bring a lost soul back into the flock. Lets pause right here to reflect a moment shall we? In the very first blog entry I said I would do whatever or say whatever it took to get the panties to drop. Hell yes I told her I would go to church. Don’t judge me fuckers. Back to the story. She drinks her extremely strong drink courtesy of a wink and a nod from me to my boy behind the bar and says she wants another one. I asked how long it had been since she had a drink. She told me it had been years since she had been saved and hasn’t drank or anything since then. I told my boy to make the next few weak as he could so I wouldn’t have puking sloppy ass mess on my hands that night. He complies and we all have a good time for the next few hours. It gets time to leave and she asked if I would give her a ride home. I had three of my friends that rode with me but they all know the rules. If ass is to be had a cab ride is in their future. I asked where she lived and she said on the corps side. Ladies and gentlemen the corps side of the base is where all the future Navy Hospital Corpsman live. The rest of us on base referred to them as corps whores because for lack of a better word every chick on that side of the base was basically a cum dumpster. We get to her side of the base and its not looking too promising for me and my dick because she hasn’t said a damn word about anything even remotely close to fucking. I have already got it in my mind that I will have to fuck one of the guarantees that live in the same barracks I do. I pull up to drop her off and she looks at me all confused like and asks what I’m doing. I said dropping you off and going to bed. She gets that slutty look on her face and tells me the only place I will be going is to church with her for ten Sundays. I damn near wrecked trying to park the car. She informs me her room mate had left two days before so we could just go to her room and be completely alone. Deal! We make it inside and I shit you not it looks like one of those old Mexican lady’s living rooms after her son gets killed in a drug deal gone bad. There are Jesus statues and candles every fucking where. I couldn’t help but to laugh and she started to get all shitty about it. Settle down slut this is your damn room full of baptist memorabilia that you brought me to so we could fuck. That’s against one of your spiritual leaders rules so don’t give me shit for laughing at your shrine of whoredom. Something told me that she wasn’t always this religious freak and to just roll with the flow and see where it went. Spot fucking on! Turns out she was basically the town slut where she was from and joining the military was either her way of forgetting it or starting a new life. Either way she still had some serious slut skills buried up under that got Jesus shirt and crucifix necklace. We did the deal and I slung baby batter all over her chest and necklace and she wiped it off with her Jesus shirt. Mission accomplished.
I see this crazy bitch the very next weekend all whored up in her sluttiest clothes and makeup at the bar getting as fucked up as Nancy Kerrigan’s knee after it met that crowbar. I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she forgot how much fun it was to not give a shit about what other people thought and just live life. Well I’m glad I could help you back on your true path in life you silly little slut. She asked if I was dropping her off again after the bar and I told her that depended on if there was any other piece of ass that caught my eye. True to whore form she said well if we both thinks she’s hot she could go with us. That story is next.
When we weren’t hanging out at our favorite bar we would frequent this run down shit hole of a shopping center almost directly across the street from the base. Inside this ghetto ass place were a few establishments that were required for us all to survive. There was Jin Jin’s Chinese eatery, known for its world-famous greasy ass food that would clean you out in under ten minutes. I can still remember the way those imported bastards screamed when they answered the phone…JIN JIN MAY HERP YOU!!!!!! My buddy McNasty had a way of screaming it with just the right amount of Mongolian in his voice to make you think you were knee-deep in a rice patty getting shot at by Charlie. Beside this cat bakery was an old school liquor store complete with the required homeless man bumming change. On one end of the shopping center was a bar called Circus Circus. Anyone that’s ever heard that name has probably got a vision of a nice casino with hot ass waitresses bringing you free drinks all night as you sit at a slot machine pissing away your kids college funds. This was not a fucking thing like that. I think they named it that because of the fucking side-show freaks that worked and drank there. The hottest thing that place had was a fucking light bulb hanging over a pool table that was missing one leg and was leaning on a concrete block. At the opposite end of this Mecca of class and style was a bar called The Anchor. No that’s not stereotypical or anything geniuses. Way to think outside the box and name a fucking bar directly across the street from a Navy base something that refers to the fucking Navy. This place wasn’t as bad as the fucktards at the end of the block but it was close. When you walked in it felt like standing in the hall of a 1978 single wide mobile home. The bar was on the right and there were chairs and a few booths on your left side, the pisser was directly ahead of you way back in the dark corners of hell. They had a door on the left that lead to a big open area like most respectable fucking establishments have so why they had a fucking wall between them is beyond me. All damn night you would hang out in the big room and have to fight your way to the bar to get a beer in the little ass room. If I could ever meet the son of a bitch that designed this place I would punch him in the dick today for the spilled drinks and shoulder bumps I endured while I was there. I hope his mother caught fucking herpes blowing some asshole in the bathroom at the grand opening. Fuck her and fuck him.
This one night for whatever reason we started out drinking at the Circus with the pillars of society that were always there. We worked up a pretty good buzz and decided Chinese food was in order so we wandered down to the cat bakery and ate some kind of fucking shit you get for $3.00 at those shit holes. Having or stomachs full we decide the Anchor would be our next stop so we walked down that way. Passing the liquor store we saw a few dudes from the barracks sitting outside drinking Courvoisier and coke so we stopped to shoot the shit with them for a while. Fuck if we were going to stand there and be outdone by my ghetto friends so we bought a few mini bottles and started drinking too. After about 20 or so minutes of this bullshit we figured it was probably a good time to just find someone and beat the shit out of them. Stupid as fuck looking back now but at the time that’s how we operated. My boy Brooks was a black kid from the South side of Chicago. If you’ve ever been to or heard of the South side you know it’s not fucking nice at all. Even the birds on the South side wear gang colors. He was probably all of 5’2″ and 160lbs of solid fucking muscle but was one of the most laid back and funniest mother fuckers I have ever known in my life. We used to sit around the barracks telling each other racist jokes and when anyone else would try to join in we would threaten to beat their asses. He decides that no matter who it is the next person that walked by was getting knocked the fuck out. The only thing he said was it had to be a guy and not a chick. As luck would have it some crazy ass looking Mexican guy comes walking by and before Brooks could say or do anything the dude starts shadow boxing and talking shit. Let this be a lesson folks, stay the fuck off drugs. Brooks was laughing his ass off and I guess Pancho took offense because he took about two steps towards him and……Brooks one hitter quiter’d his ass. One swing and the dude hits the fucking ground all stiff and shit just like you see on UFC fights. He then starts laughing and says watch this fellas. He pulls out his dick and pisses all over the guys face. Why he felt the need to do that shit is beyond me but he did. Having laughed our ass off and very quickly losing our buzz we decide it was time to head to the bar. Fuck having to explain that shit when the cops show up right?
The Anchor was actually busy when we got there so it took a minute to get in, but have no fucking fear because we have our shot bottles in our pockets. We are pounding them back and talking shit to the people in line and a group of whores walk up. If you’ve ever been in line with the boys and a group of chicks walk up the easiest way to talk to them is to wink at one and say something along the lines of it’s about time you guys got here. They get to skip the rest of the fucks in line and think you actually give a shit about them. They play along and jump in line and start talking about having some of our alcohol. SETTLE DOWN SLUTS!!!!! Let’s not get carried the fuck away, we just want to put some dick in you not alcohol. We kindly explain to the sluts that the liquor store is about 100 yards away and they should send a delegate from their party and one of ours will go with them to avoid the drunken knocked out Mexican that’s probably still laying on the sidewalk. I see who the chicks pick and I volunteer, probably a little too eagerly. She was smoking ass hot to be in this neighborhood, anywhere else and she’s a strong 5.9. We walk down to the liquor store and the first thing I see when we round the corner is Brooks sitting on the sidewalk drinking with the damn Mexican he had just knocked the fuck out earlier. I asked him what the fuck he was doing and he told me that instead of hauling ass he helped the guy up and explained to him that he had gotten his ass beat by some other dudes and he had chased them away. The little guy was so fucked up and grateful that he bought that story and a fifth of alcohol for him and Brooks to share. God you gotta love that goofy bastard. We grab our supplies and head back to the line to go in but we are too late. All of our friends are already inside so we pay our cover and try to go find them. We finally find them all in the big room hanging out and talking shit and doing shots. My boys are already dividing and conquering like good little whoremongers do when surrounded by a flock of fuckables. Me and the one I was with start talking about this and that and whatever other bullshit she feels the need to spew to try to look cooler than she really was. Truth be told she was nothing more than a chick from some small ass town in America that nobody has ever heard of just like I was a dude from a small ass town that nobody had ever heard of. I had enough of her bullshit so I called her on it. I yell extremely loudly at her that in whatever town she grew up in she probably was one of the best pieces of ass her principal had ever had, but out here in the real world she was average at best. One of her friends heard me and came to her defense and started talking shit to me for talking shit to her friend. I was about to round up the boys and let her ass have it when to my surprise smalltown comes to my defense before I could say a word. That ladies and gentleman can mean one thing and one thing only….she want to fuck!!! I knew from then on that no matter what I said to her other than reminding her about all the abortions she’s probably had growing up that I could dominate this bitch anyway I wanted to. The night is moving along at break dick speed, shes’ all about it and even telling me the shit she wants me to do to her. I won’t bore you with the details but it involves spankings and hair pulling and pretty much everything I am a fan of. The bar closes and we all are walking through the parking lot to our cars and I see Brooks and his little Mexican buddy again. He yells for me to watch this, and knocks the motherfucker out again. I don’t know if that little bastard ever made it to his casa or not but if he did he had to explain two black eyes and smelling like piss to someone. The chick I was with had been going on and on about my country ass accent all night and wanted to know what it was like growing up where I did. I basically told her it was a lot of dirt road riding and sitting in the backs of trucks drinking beer and shit like that. Pretty much the same shit she had grown up doing minus the gang bangs by the starting defense on the football team I’m sure. She said it had been a long time since she was in the back of a truck so me being me and severely fucking drunk I drop the tailgate to the first truck I see and toss her ass in it. I didn’t realize it but the owner of the truck was sitting in it and for some reason was extremely pissed that my drunk ass let his tailgate down so hard. He jumps out with promises of beating my ass and all sorts of other bullshit. I tried to explain to him that I was just trying to help a girl out by reminding her of home. He wasn’t buying it. Before I could say another word I see a blur from my side and for the third time in less than twelve hours my boy Brooks had hit someone else. He was pounding on the dudes face so damn hard I thought he was going to kill him. I will never forget the shit he was screaming while he was hitting that bastard…..AINT NOBODY FUCKING WITH MY CRACKA FRIEND MOTHERFUCKER. The owner of the bar was outside and started saying something about the cops being called and shit so I grab Brooks and the slut and toss them in my car and start to back out.All I hear was the grinding of metal on metal but it didn’t register with me what the fuck had just happened. We drop Brooks off at the barracks and go down to the beach that was now becoming the place to go when you didn’t want to spend the money for a hotel room on some one night piece of ass. We get down there and it’s like a damn orgy going on. There is tits and ass all over the place and someone had built a fire on the beach. That shit was an extreme violation of the base rules since we weren’t even supposed to be there after sunset for safety reasons. There was no way in the hell I was staying there long enough to get a piece of ass so I told smalltown she would either have to pay for a room or I was dropping her ass off. She gladly agreed to get a room and even paid for some late night greaseburger action on the way. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the money, it was that I wasn’t paying for shit if I didn’t have to. We get to the room and have a very interesting night, complete with her not being able to sit on her left ass cheek for a few days I’m sure. The next day I walk out to my car and for the first time sober and in the daylight I see that the front passenger fender is completely caved in. That’s what the fuck that sound was the night before. I had backed up and turned the wheel to tight and backed all over the side of whatever poor bastards vehicle was sitting beside mine. I was sure there would be all kinds of swat teams and shit looking for me when I made it back to base and my ass would be in a world of shit. I got to the parking lot and hauled ass back to my barracks waiting for the damn law to track me down. My car stayed parked in that parking lot for 4 days and didn’t move until I knew it was safe to drive it again. I didn’t go back to that bar for over a month for fear of someone being in there and seeing me and calling the cops. I kept that car for quiet a few years due to the sentimental value of all the notches I literally had on the steering wheel until it finally met it’s demise on I95 North when I was headed back to Virginia from Georgia and fucked up a deer. We’ll get to all that shit later.
During my time at school for the Navy I refined my whore skills to a degree that I could have been paid for it. I was concerned about me and me only. Whatever I had to do or whatever I had to say to get bitches naked was what I would do. I honestly never stopped to think that they could possibly have feelings or give a shit if they did. If I talked to a chick and it was obvious we weren’t getting naked at some point then she didn’t get another damn minute of my time. I went to school hung over more than I did not and the minute school was over I was ready to go again. There were other people like me, both male and female and we all seemed to get along pretty well. I still speak to some of these people today and they have gone on to make great lives for themselves. Being young and in the military is really a pretty good gig other than the occasional bullshit times when you have to do your job and not just get paid to go out and take down pussy.
If you’ve been paying any attention at all during the rest of these stories you know that there wasn’t any pussy that was off-limits. I didn’t give a damn what she looked like or how much she weighed. You probably also know that I didn’t give a good god damn if a chick was single. It wasnt my fault if a bitch had a boyfriend or husband and she wanted to give it up. Who was I to deprive those desperate whores who weren’t getting enough dick at home? So I could never understand why one guy came to me and said him and his chick were having problems and he wanted me to talk to her about it and see if I could make her see just how much he loved and cared for her. Are you fucking kidding me dude? I said sure I would talk to her and see if there was a way to salvage their whatever the fuck it was they had.
We are all out at the bar we spent more time in than our barracks and he asked if I would talk to her that night. I agreed and asked her if we could walk outside to talk. She obviously knew he had asked me to because she said she would but it would basically be pointless. We sat down on the tailgate of somebody’s truck and start to talk about whatever the hell their problem was. I really don’t remember much of what we talked about because I was too busy looking at her tits she was so proud of always showing off. So on and on she goes about this and that and then she said he wasn’t giving her what she needed in the bedroom…….Attention being paid like a mother fucker now!!!!!! I steered her down that path a little more with simple questions and comments and it worked like a charm. Her next comment let me know I was about to dip the dick. She said thanks asshole talking about all this has me fucking horny now. Clouds part and angels start singing. I told her I would go back inside and tell her boyfriend to come out and take care of that. She said that was the last thing she wanted and that by the time I went inside and got him she could have already cum if I would just bend her over the tailgate of the truck and fuck her brains out. I didn’t know it at the time but crazy stomach slicing bitch from a previous story had already told some of the chicks about fucking me. Ladies if you ever want your friends to fuck your husband/boyfriends just tell them he knows his way around the bedroom and see what happens. Whores are whores are whores. So I asked if she was serious and she already had her pants damn near to her ankles. I have never been ashamed to fuck in public or just be naked in public in general but here we were in the parking lot of a crowded bar full of people who knew both of us. I didn’t bother pulling my pants all the way down, just unzipped and pulled it out. If you’ve ever done it you know that a zipper is not your dicks friend. It tends to do a little scratching and shit when you’re about midway on the in stroke. Fuck it, I play through the pain. She finishes about two minutes later, not because I’m awesome but because she had been deprived for so long. I finished a little later and not a moment too fucking soon. I zip up and see a group of our friends walking out of the bar and her boyfriend is with them. He asks if we are ok and I assure him I was doing damn better than just ok. Once we all got back to base we all met in the courtyard for our ritual late night snacking and smoking. I walked out and sat on a table and lit a smoke happy as hell. A friend walked out and started talking to me and asked what I had all over my pants and shirt. I looked down and it looked like I had spilled a drink on my clothes. I had no clue what the fuck it was in my drunken state. She looked down and said that it looked like I had ketchup on my clothes. Yep you guessed it…….it was that time of the month. MOTHER FUCKER! I started laughing and told her what I did but not who I was with or where. A few minutes later she gets done laughing and announces to the entire group that was out there that I had fucked a chick and she got blood all over my clothes. The dude and the chick were both out there and knew I had not been anywhere after the bar but straight back to the barracks. She knew where it came from but I guess it didn’t dawn on the dude because he just laughed and said “he couldn’t get any tonight because his girlfriend was on her special time too”. About that time everyone that was at the bar realized what happened except for his dumbass because they all started giggling and shit. I’m sitting there hoping people would just shut the fuck up about it and let it die so he maybe wouldnt figure out what the fuck happened. It dies down for a few minutes and I think I am in the clear until another friend walks outside and says “hey Haynes who was that bitch you had bent over that truck in the bar parking lot?” I glance over at the boyfriend and I see the wheels turning. He looked at me like he knew and wanted to say something but didn’t want to be a dick if he was wrong. I guess he finally got it worked out in his head and was convinced that we would never do that to him because he never said another word about it that night. The next day was a completely different fucking story because I woke up to someone pounding on my door. I open it and he’s standing there with tears on his cheeks. He told me she finally said she wanted it to be over and she also told him what happened. I said dude you know how I am and its pretty much your fault for putting me in that situation. He countered with I thought we were friends. I said my dick was a better friend than he was so I always take it’s side. He got all fucking kinds of mad and storms off the two doors down the hall to his room. I got dressed and went and found her to ask her why the fuck she put my in the middle of this shit. Her whore logic was that was the only way he would know for sure she was done with him and he would leave her alone. Great fucking plan you dizzy bitch!!!! She said they were arguing about not having sex or some shit and before she could stop herself she blurted out that I had gotten off in two minutes and he hadn’t ever been able to, again not because I’m awesome but because either he was that bad or she was that frustrated. I had to deal with this shit around the barracks for a week or so but it turned out to be the best advertising for the other whores I could have ever asked for. From then on anytime I started talking to another whore from the barracks that would always come up. Not the part about me fucking a dudes girlfriend that asked me to help him , just the part about her finishing in two minutes. I was feeling like a fucking rock star until I could never repeat that miracle with the whores who wanted to find out for themselves.
Life was going about as good as it could be at this point in my life. I was getting paid to go to school during the day and dominate sluts at the bars at night. We had stumbled across a bar owned my a retired Chief who’s name I won’t mention because of the activities allowed to go on there were more than a little illegal. I don’t even know if the place is still open or not but it was about the most perfect place all of us young sailors could have asked for. We couldn’t have done a better job designing this place had we been offered free beer and blow jobs for life. It wasn’t anything fancy like the downtown Chicago clubs with loud ass techno music and $25.00 cover charges. It was a real mans kind of place. A bar, a pool table or two, some sort of a stage and a dance floor. Who the fuck needs anything else? We were the lords of our world and our group of friends, both male and female pretty much owned the place while we were there. It was at this grand festivity hall that some of the best times of my life were to unfold.
One night we were all hanging out and doing our thing just like any other night, you know taking shots and talking shit. The bar owner had a big banner on the wall and anyone who could get on stage and chug a pitcher of beer without puking got to sign their name and the pitcher was free. When you walk onto a Navy vessel that you’re not assigned to for any kind of official business you have to do what’s known as signing the quarterdeck log. It’s just a way to verify you were there I guess. Well chugging the beer was also known as signing the quarterdeck. My name was already on it so I would routinely try to find people in the crowd who I thought would puke their brains out and goad them into thinking they were qualified to try it. Mostly little bitch dudes from places like Connecticut or some other gay ass place where they still think a pink sweater tied around your neck and some topsiders are the best fashion statements to pull pussy in a mans bar like ours. Fuck those faggots. When we didn’t have any of those worthless assholes hanging around it would then be those manly chicks from places like Texas or Oklahoma. If you’ve never met one of these man-bitches you have truly lived a deprived fucking life. Imagine if you will Garth Brooks with a vagina. Tight ass jeans complete with a fucking Skoal ring on the back pocket, some sort of plaid shirt with pearl snaps, and the ever-present pair of roper boots. On this night the cow tipping bitches were out in full force. I never understood why they hung around because the music in this bar was as varied as the STD’s the whores in a crack house have. Anyway who fucking cares right? The dudebitches were there and I was determined to have some fun. All it normally takes is telling one of these abominations that some other chick from their rival state had signed it with honor and when they were done they screamed fuck________(insert home state of the bitch I’m talking to). GAME FUCKING ON!!! It was so easy to spot these fuckers because without fail someone in their crowd would have on the hat of the college football team from their state.
This night in particular there was a semi cute chick trying her damnedest to fit in with the cowboy crowd with her brand new hat, boots, and tight ass camel toe jeans. I had seen her out before and she didn’t have any kind of goat roping clothes on. That shit always happened to the weak-minded fuckers. They would show up as one thing and quickly convert to the kind of person they started hanging around with. There was one guy who came from boot camp with nothing but FUBU clothes and within two weeks he was wearing a cowboy hat I shit you not. So back to the whore in question. I laid down the gauntlet for her to get her ass up on stage and chug the beer and she was already shit faced so it wasn’t much of a challenge. She staggers her ass up there screaming some shit in her native whore tongue. We grab the silver bucket of shame and a pitcher of whatever her beer of choice was and meet her up there. Now you didn’t just sign Chief’s quarterdeck in some lame ass boring manner. There was a damn song that the whole bar sang while you were doing it. When I did mine they sang it and so on for the 1000’s of people who had gone before me. The song goes like this:
Here’s to brother Clay, brother Clay, brother Clay.
Here’s to brother Clay who’s with us tonight. He’s happy, he’s jolly, he’s horny by golly so here’s to brother Clay who’s with us tonight.
Soooooooooooo DRINK MOTHERFUCKER, DRINK MOTHERFUCKER DRINK.
DRINK MOTHER FUCKER DRINK MOTHERFUCKER DRINK.
And so on until you finished it or blew chunks. It’s pretty simple but at the time it was our battle cry. So Sister Camel Toe was up drinking and was about half way done with the pitcher when she stopped. She had it all over her face the minute the pitcher wasn’t blocking it. The instant someone showed the signs of puking the song changed to PUKE MOTHER FUCKER PUKE MOTHER FUCKER PUKE. Well she did. She damn near filled up the silver bucket of shame. It was a three gallon metal bucket more commonly referred to as a wash tub where I grew up. Everyone in the bar immediately starts cheering and screaming to add more shame to the little girl who talked a big game. I hand her a towel to wipe away the puke and embarrassment and tell her that better people than her have used that bucket. She wanted to walk outside to get some air and asked if I would go with her. Well sure sweetie I will be glad to walk with you out to the parking lot while you’re shit faced drunk. We walk out and she leans up against my car to get her bearings about her and she takes her hat off. I don’t know why I said it but I told her she was way hotter with out her hat than she was when she wore it. She looks at me in that glazed over whore in the headlight look that I had seen too many times in my life. JACKPOT!!! She was as insecure as I’ve ever seen and that whole tough country girl persona was all just a coping mechanism. I start dropping the compliments left and right and she’s eating that shit up like a fat bitch at the buffet on half price night. I guess her whore tank was full because she said if we had somewhere to go we could fuck right now. I explained to her that the Ford Probe GT(fuck you for laughing, that thing had more pussy than your mother’s gynecologists office) she was leaned up against happened to be mine and the passenger seat reclined all the way down. I had fucked more than a few whores in it and I was about to add one more to my resume’. She agrees and we set about adding another notch to the steering wheel in the car. About ten minutes into it her friends come outside to look for her and start tapping on the door telling her she needs to get out and leave with them. She screams that once she’s done riding me that I would give her a ride home. Uhhhhhmmmm no bitch you live on the other side of the base and I’m not driving you anywhere. She was not happy about that so she jumps out of the car leaving her shirt and bra and only grabbing her pants and shoes for some reason. Well good luck getting back on base looking like that babe. I walk back inside and start drinking more and telling my friends what happened. I then see victim number two of the night at the end of the bar and she’s sitting there all alone looking like her life will end tonight if she doesn’t get some dick in her. I walked over and started talking to her and trying to pay attention to what she was saying without focusing totally on her massive ass tits. We are getting to know each other pretty well and have reached the point of the conversation about favorite sexual positions and shit like that when there’s a tap on my back. Any guy who’s ever been in a bar fight knows that a tap on the back has usually ended up bad. I pulled the signature step to the side and turn around move that I had learned from my time in bars. Guess who’s standing there? Yeah you fuckers are pretty smart but for any of you dumbasses who can’t focus it was the first girl from that night. She tells chick number two what we were doing not more than an hour ago and asks me if she can get her clothes out of my car. I asked her where she got the shirt she had on to walk back in the bar. This dumb bitch had made her friend take her shirt off and let her wear it while she sat in their car in just a bra. It would have made way too much sense for her friend to just walk inside and get me. I walk back inside and expect to find number two gone. Wrong. She was sitting right where I had left her and she had taken the liberty of ordering me a fresh drink.We have a winner here folks. The night rolls along and we end up in the car doing exactly what me and the first chick had been doing. I asked her if she really had no problem riding where the other chick had just been and she said it wasn’t her fault whore one didn’t have enough skill to finish the job. Damn this chick is a pro!!!